foolintherain | DEERINGTON INBOX

where are you. we need to talk.

hello to you too
in your backyard. did you know you have a garden back here?

yeah, i planted it. don't step on the kale

[ dean's been marinating on this for a few hours, and he's pissed, but he tried to wait and collect his thoughts before he went screaming at his wayward angel. ]

wonders never cease
ill be mindful not to uproot anything worth eating

[ Kale not included. jk, he'll tend to and water it along with the rest, but also there are way better greens to be growing. If only Cas had some of those seeds to plant. His knees and hands are dirty with soil when Dean arrives, and he doesn't stand, but looks up, smiling like he can't tell how pissed off Dean is from the line of his shoulders. This is going to be the fun kind of talk then, eh. ]

The man himself arrives. What can I do for you, my fearless leader?

[ leave his kale alone, he's proud of those little seedlings.

He takes a few sips of booze before he heads out back, hands in his pockets, shoulders stiff as he looks down at Cas. ]

Cas, why'd you tell Sammy about all the Lucifer shit? He's fourteen, and now he's having mental breakdowns.

[ Oh. Well, that's valid. Cas pats the dirt off his hands and leans back on his heels, frowning up at Dean. ]

Dean, I know Sam's your brother and you want to protect him, but in his future, he said yes to the devil, and it broke the world. If that were you, wouldn't you like to be told how royally you'd fucked up before you did it?

He's fourteen, man. You can't just--

[ He groans, drags a hand down his face. ]

It's not his future, man. It's all already happened. We used a spell to de-age him, to get rid of Lucifer. He's not...some younger version. He's already done it all, you can't just--

[ His face twists, frustrated. ]

Sammy's a kid again. He's got a second chance to just be a kid, and now he's convinced he's ruined everyone's lives and he's a horrible person.

[ Cas's chin lifts, impassive at the reminder of Sam's age. He was never a child, and from what he understands, neither were the Winchesters. Still, fourteen seems old enough to Cas to understand right from wrong, and "de-aging," if that is what it was, and not some variation on time travel, doesn't change a person. Talking to them can. De-aging any of them wouldn't change them. If you ask Cas, that was a mistake. ]

Have you perhaps noticed, Dean, that we're not in the real world? This isn't a second chance that God gave us out of the goodness of His heart. This is a purgatory. We're all already dead. So either we: "A," wake up from this god-child's dream with everything the same as we left it or "B," we learn something and take that back with us to reality. Which do you want for Sam?

I've been here for two months, Cas. I've noticed. I'm just saying you need to cut him some slack. We don't know what's going on, we don't know if we're getting sent home or not, we don't know if we're moving on from all this.

[ He gestures vaguely at the whole of Deerington. ]

You don't know this isn't a second chance. Hell, you thought it was our last night on earth last night and now here we are, a day later, still carrying on, and we might still be tomorrow. My point is--

[ What is your point, Dean? Really. ]

You should have let me and Sam tell him. He doesn't even know you.

[ Everyone Cas has spoken to has implied that this world is ending. The alternative to not returning to their own version of reality is... What? If this world ends, where else does that leave them, but shuffled off to some other, possibly bleaker, immortal coil? He levies Dean with a tired stare. At least Dean's arguing with him again. It's better than the alternative, he supposes. Cas sighs, head dropping to his chest, and he stands. His hands rest on his hips as he looks at Dean, still so grateful to have Dean here, still so very, very tired. ]

Okay.

[ He's not sorry, but he's done arguing about it. ]

[ He'd expected more pushback, but Cas' acquiescence isn't that surprising, either. ]

Look, all I mean to say is we're alive. Okay? Here, in this shitty city, I'm alive. So are you, so is Sammy. It's probably not cause of God, but it's damn sure because of something bigger than us. And man -- I don't wanna give that up. Not this time. Not when I've got another shot. So I'm sorry if I wanna actually try and think the best right now, cause that's about all I've got.

[ Is this really about Sam, Dean? ]

[ Whatever Dean believes, no matter how unlikely, it's made him happier. So this is about Sam, in that way. Dean wants to live in ignorant bliss, and he wanted that for Sam. Cas can't say he blames them. It feels like giving up, but isn't that the game? Anything to survive. If Dean is happy living in a fantasy world with his "innocent" younger brother, then Cas should be happy for them, but he can't bring himself to feel the same. But ultimately, what he thinks doesn't matter. He'll always defer to Dean. ]

What would you like me to say to Sam?

[ He deflates a little, putting his hands in his pockets before shaking his head. Dean isn't sure what he wants, really - an argument, an agreement, some...semblance of that tiny slice of hope he's somehow gained.

They're not really 'hoping' people though, are they. ]

Nothing. It's -- it doesn't matter.

[ He wets his lips, glancing at Cas' dirty jeans and hands. ]

What're you doing out here?

I'm sorry I called you crazy

[... Apparently, this has been bothering him on top of whatever else has.]

[ There's a big difference between "nothing" and "it doesn't matter," but with the argument ending, Cas doesn't push for details. He'll just avoid Sam the younger, which should be easy enough since he's seemed to have made himself scarce since that conversation, unsurprisingly.

Cas looks down at the garden briefly, the next subject, before looking at Dean again. ]

Weeding, mostly. Hope you don't mind my taking the initiative here. I promise I haven't been telling any of the pea sprouts about their past failings.

[ When it came to repairing buildings or caring for plants, it's obvious where Cas's preference fell. Help to feed the people he cares about and also commune with nature? It's one of the chores of surviving that never felt like one, to him. ]

you dont have to apologize, sam. it was merited as i was saying some crazy things at the time

dean told me youre having a rough time

i'm sorry. it's your family's job to fuck your life up and make you question all of your choices. i'm not your family, and it wasnt my place to say anything. things are hard for everyone. i shouldnt have made them harder for you.

[There's a short pause, a quiet typing and backspacing and typing.]

You don't have to be nice to me just because you're friends with Dean.
If you want me to stay away from you
I'd understand

Dad told me once, 'an eye for an eye' in hunting.
If monsters hurt people, the people hurt monsters back.

It sounds like I fucked up everyone's life
so you were just doing eye for an eye, right?

no

sam, did your father ever sit a monster down, read a book with them, ask them to maybe try to be nicer?

Edited 2021-05-28 21:49 (UTC)

If you know my dad so well

what do you think he'd do if he learned I'll cause the world to end?

[He loves his dad. He just wants his dad to be okay, no matter how angry he makes him.

He also knows what his dad does to people who hurt other people.

And from what Cas says, Sam... hurts a lot of people. At the thought of his father learning any of this, his stomach is ice — burning hot, heavy as it rolls over, and his fingers are a bit more sporadic with nerves as he types up another reply.]

Like I said
if you're just being nice because you don't want Dean to get pissed
don't worry about dean, I'll talk to him.

[ Since apparently everything he says to Sam is going to end up back to Dean, and Cas doesn't want to dig himself any deeper here, he declines to say any more about John Winchester. ]

sam, you didnt cause the world to end
Angels did.
and apparently in some other universe, the older version of yourself said yes to Lucifer and he SAVED the world
so i'm sorry i told you what i did, because i didn't know that things could

[ Cas hesitates because, fuck, maybe Dean was right, maybe he shouldn't have said anything to Sam, but how would ignoring him and letting him think he's a monster help anyone? ]

it wasn't your fault, Sam
youre a good person and Heaven failed you
they failed everyone.

Edited (ugh sorry for the edits) 2021-05-28 22:22 (UTC)

[He considers those words carefully. He's not sure if... Cas is trying to convince him that he doesn't hate him on Dean's behalf (his brother can be really bossy; he knows how it is), or if it's all genuine. Sam couldn't even imagine that the ex-angel would like him. Not after he apparently made things worse. But... the words do help. A little.

He's still lost and scared, and unsure what to do. He's still feeling a whole lot of things, some of that probably not so healthy. But... he's relieved to at least know Cas is potentially genuine in what he's saying. It matters.]

You just wanted to try to make it better.
You had real good intentions. I know that.

I just wish I would have known angels were crappy forever ago
I prayed every night.
I mean
if angels even actually hear prayers I guess.

[Terribly sad prayers since he was young. Please let my dad come home, please protect my brother, watch over them, please ask God to fix whatever's wrong with me, please help us be safe, please tell God I don't blame him for mom, please help me find a better life. He had been staunch in his nightly routine.

Had it all been pointless?]

so did your mother

[ Yes, angels hear prayers, and to Castiel's knowledge, so does God. But only if they choose to listen, and they only answer when it serves their purpose. What Sam needs is hope and reassurance, but he's talking to the wrong person about all this. No wonder Dean didn't encourage him to talk to Sam.

But he owes it to Sam, after misjudging him (and for Dean's sake), so Cas tries his regrettably shitty best. ]

prayer isn't a waste of time
it's meditation. it can calm you and center you, and help you focus on whats important in your life
whether anyone listens or not doesnt matter
if you believe in it, it's valuable

[ It's probably a stupid question since Dean found Cas on his hands and knees in the dirt, in the garden, but it's a subject change, a segue into something else, so, you know. Whatever. It works. ]

No, I don't mind at all. It's all pretty bare bones. If you can make something more out of it, by all means.

[ Dean has a lot to keep up with around here. While the cabin isn't falling apart anymore, there's upkeep and still a handful of repairs to be made. Plus, managing their food stores, making sure it's all rationed out so that there's enough for everyone that's here. It's helpful that Ariadne and Evelyn both brought whatever they had available, more provisions are always helpful.

Cas keeping his hands busy with the garden is exceptionally helpful. It's one less thing for Dean to deal with.

He's suddenly struck with the memory of a similar scene, back home, standing over Cas, arms folded, watching him garden. Seems he's fallen into his 'fearless leader' role once more, just in a different place and time.

He's not quite sure how he feels about that. ]

Need any help?

[ Dean was doing fine, and the garden doesn't really need much tending. Getting it started is the hard part, and Dean had managed that on his own. But it's something Cas can do to feel useful, besides counting provisions and, you know, doing shit all but getting high.

Cas does need any help, just like Dean didn't. Not physically, at least. They need it in other ways, though, and the offer alone has Cas smiling. ]

Yeah. Help would be appreciated, as long as I'm not keeping our big boss man away from his, uh... more pressing duties around camp.

[ Because that's what this is now. It's Dean's home, but it's just another camp of wayward survivors. Cas knows how to feel about it. It's not best case scenario, maybe, but it feels like home. Cas wouldn't want to be anywhere else. ]

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