foolintherain | DEERINGTON INBOX

If you know my dad so well

what do you think he'd do if he learned I'll cause the world to end?

[He loves his dad. He just wants his dad to be okay, no matter how angry he makes him.

He also knows what his dad does to people who hurt other people.

And from what Cas says, Sam... hurts a lot of people. At the thought of his father learning any of this, his stomach is ice — burning hot, heavy as it rolls over, and his fingers are a bit more sporadic with nerves as he types up another reply.]

Like I said
if you're just being nice because you don't want Dean to get pissed
don't worry about dean, I'll talk to him.

[ Since apparently everything he says to Sam is going to end up back to Dean, and Cas doesn't want to dig himself any deeper here, he declines to say any more about John Winchester. ]

sam, you didnt cause the world to end
Angels did.
and apparently in some other universe, the older version of yourself said yes to Lucifer and he SAVED the world
so i'm sorry i told you what i did, because i didn't know that things could

[ Cas hesitates because, fuck, maybe Dean was right, maybe he shouldn't have said anything to Sam, but how would ignoring him and letting him think he's a monster help anyone? ]

it wasn't your fault, Sam
youre a good person and Heaven failed you
they failed everyone.

Edited (ugh sorry for the edits) 2021-05-28 22:22 (UTC)

[He considers those words carefully. He's not sure if... Cas is trying to convince him that he doesn't hate him on Dean's behalf (his brother can be really bossy; he knows how it is), or if it's all genuine. Sam couldn't even imagine that the ex-angel would like him. Not after he apparently made things worse. But... the words do help. A little.

He's still lost and scared, and unsure what to do. He's still feeling a whole lot of things, some of that probably not so healthy. But... he's relieved to at least know Cas is potentially genuine in what he's saying. It matters.]

You just wanted to try to make it better.
You had real good intentions. I know that.

I just wish I would have known angels were crappy forever ago
I prayed every night.
I mean
if angels even actually hear prayers I guess.

[Terribly sad prayers since he was young. Please let my dad come home, please protect my brother, watch over them, please ask God to fix whatever's wrong with me, please help us be safe, please tell God I don't blame him for mom, please help me find a better life. He had been staunch in his nightly routine.

Had it all been pointless?]

so did your mother

[ Yes, angels hear prayers, and to Castiel's knowledge, so does God. But only if they choose to listen, and they only answer when it serves their purpose. What Sam needs is hope and reassurance, but he's talking to the wrong person about all this. No wonder Dean didn't encourage him to talk to Sam.

But he owes it to Sam, after misjudging him (and for Dean's sake), so Cas tries his regrettably shitty best. ]

prayer isn't a waste of time
it's meditation. it can calm you and center you, and help you focus on whats important in your life
whether anyone listens or not doesnt matter
if you believe in it, it's valuable

She did?

[That small kernel of information about his mother lights a small, warm feeling in his chest. The fact that angels had heard her, that they knew she did, too... even if they're all jerks, there's something nice about learning something else about his mom. Dean didn't talk about her much, and whatever he got out of Dad was limited and edged with everlasting mourning.]

Then I guess I'll keep doing it
if it doesn't bother you or the other Castiel, I mean.
It's better than some sappy diary

[Prayer isn't physical, isn't written word that a nosy older brother can find and tease you about.]

... Meditation? Like yoga?

Edited 2021-05-31 01:52 (UTC)

[ At least it sounds like Sam is on the way back to be his good-hearted, optimistic self, so Cas considers that a job well done. He's struck by the confirmation that Castiel is here, and it takes him a moment to respond to that. ]

no, it doesnt bother us
pray on, young samuel

[ It doesn't bother Cas because he can't hear prayers anymore, and as for Castiel... Well, Cas can't speak for him, but. It certainly wouldn't have bothered him, a long, long time ago.

Anyway, Cas doesn't want to think about it. Meditation is an excellent distraction. ]

ah, no
you can meditate through yoga but you dont have to do yoga to meditate
it's just centering yourself, feeling your place in and connection to the vast, all-encompassing universe

[ And since Sam seems interested in it, Cas ventures. ]

have you had the pleasure of doing either yoga or meditation before?

Thanks.

My dad wasn't um
really into
that kind of

... culture?

[Weirdo hippie stuff, is probably what he'd have said.

Ssssomething along those lines.]

I'd like to, though. If it'll help me with my thoughts.
You do those a lot? Meditating and yoga I mean

[ Of course John wasn't "into" meditation, but Sam and John were two very different people, which Cas is endlessly grateful for. Also good on Sam for not typing out "weirdo hippie stuff." He's much more considerate than his father (or brother) ever were of alternative lifestyles.

It's a shame he's too young to expand his mind in more entertaining ways. But then there's a Sam around who isn't too young for it... ]

in the mornings, yeah
gets me out of bed and limber

[ Mostly the first one, although the second one helps for the pain that comes with being able to feel the existence of your spine. ]

if you're ever awake at sunrise, come find me outside, and i'll show you some exercises i've picked up
of the breathing and connecting to the air around you kind

[ Chances are, Sam could do more with it than Cas ever has, but even if he can't, trying to help him feel better in whatever way he can is the least Cas owes him. ]

[Sam couldn't relate to the whole spine thing. His was young and flexible and spry, not a crackle to be had when he got up in the morning. Envious, huh?]

I'm always up at sunrise, yeah
Got used to it anyway, even if Dean liked to sleep in all the time.
I just don't wanna bother you if you're really focused, or anything.

[Read: He's still a little shy around Cas, because he feels like Cas may just be nice to him because he's Dean's brother. He's working on it, though. 100%. Now that they've... kinda gotten that squared away. He wants to make an attempt to be someone better around Cas than what he's had to deal with back home.]

[ Super envious. Cas went from blissfully immortal to thirty-five years old. Wouldn't recommend it. ]

what i'm hearing is that i should come bother you
hows tomorrow sound?

[ Though Sam has wronged Cas in ways he doesn't remember, it was never really Sam that wronged him. Cas has found that out now, from the other Sam, and though he doesn't regret telling Sam about the... less fortunate end their world came to, the responsibility was solely on Lucifer, not Sam. And himself. Atoning to Sam is what he should've done from the start. This feels at least somewhat like a step towards that. ]

Tomorrow sounds good!

[Wait, how was it that people showed they were eager or happy or whatever? He's behind on the times... It's hard when the niftiest computer of his time was $4,000 dollars, but he's learned a little by osmosis when he adds:]

Thanks for BOTHERing with me! =) ;)

[Nailed it.]

[ That's adorable. He absolutely did nail it. ]

sure kiddo. see you in the morning
oh and dont tell your brother i taught you this, but if you hit that little smile in the corner, theres pictures you can use instead of ;)
😉
go wild ✌️

Oh, thanks!
I'll spam Dean's messages with them. 😁
I'll see you in the morning!!

[He still feels... all manner of conflicted and messed up, but this is a better step forward, isn't it? Cas doesn't hate him, and will hang out with him, and that'll probably make Dean happy — and Sam feels... well, not happy, not with the lingering knowledge of the future over his head, but he feels better.

So he tries to leave his room a bit more. Washes some dishes and makes himself some food, which is more than he's done in days, other than hole up in his room and feel a little hopeless about life. It's a start.]

[ Cas grins at the response. Nothing like some little brother hell to keep Dean lively.

He's surprised but glad later to see Sam out of his room and working. Cas doesn't strike up a conversation, but gives Sam a companionable nod. He doesn't avoid Sam, either, but does try to stay out of his way, not sure of where he stands with anyone right now, after the considerable mess he'd made.

The night passes, Cas is up despite himself before dawn, as he is on most mornings. And since he has an appointment to keep on this one, he showers (a hot shower, which is absolutely bliss, by the way), and dresses, and once the sun is visible in the eastern windows of the cabin, he knows on Sam's bedroom door, as they hadn't set a meeting place, but Cas assumes that's a good enough place to start looking. ]

Oh — um! I'm coming!

[That's odd; it sounds a bit faraway, that voice. There's a sound of a bedroom window being closed, and feet landing with a little thud on the wooden floors, as if someone where... well, crawling in from the bedroom window. When he opens the door, he's in his usual t-shirt and sweats and is wiping away some dirt and leaves from his bottoms.]

Sorry, I was just... I like to watch the sunrise. It's a good view up there.

[Translation: I am a sappy nerd.]

[ The mornings are rough, in general. It's all too easy to just take a hit of something sleep-inducing and roll right back over. But when Cas comes from, that kind of thing could get you ostracized at best, killed in your sleep at worst, so he's reluctantly sober in the mornings. Even if he were stoned, though, Sam doesn't do much to hide where he's been. Cas looks over Sam's shoulder through the door, towards the window, judging the height. ]

On the roof?

[ Dean wouldn't approve. But the cabin's hardly a skyscraper, and a fall wouldn't kill him. Sam would break an arm at worst. A little risk is hardly a reason to stop doing something that brings you peace in an insane world. Cas drags his attention back to Sam. ]

Mind showing me? There's nothing like a sunrise to remind one of their place in the infinite expanse of the universe.

[ Awesome place to meditate, basically. Cas is a little envious he didn't think of it. But then people think he's crazy enough without hanging out on rooftops, so maybe it's for the best he doesn't make a habit of it. ]

[He offers a little smile, waving him to follow. Since the fog's lifting and leaving the actual sky to look at, Sammy's been eager to greet a real sun every morning. Much to Dean's henning, anyway. What? If something tries to carry him off the roof, he'll just start stabbing.]

Sure, c'mon. Just don't fall off the roof, okay?

I'm pretty sure Dean'll ground me for a year straight if you break something 'cus I brought you up here.

[ Cas chuckles at the image of Dean getting his hen feathers ruffled, and as he follows Sam through his room and to the window, he promises. ]

I'll be careful.

[ This won't be his first time climbing to a precarious place, though admittedly, he did break something while doing it once, but their were zombies involved, so that was a more harrowing experience than he plans on this one to be. He hasn't seen any fog monsters around the cabin, likely due to Sam and Dean's constant vigilance, so if anything does come at them from the roof, it'll be a surprise to at least three of them. Leave it to the youngest Winchester to be prepared for even the worst case scenario. ]

[He snorts.]

I don’t think anyone in this cabin really knows what it means to be careful.

[But he looks amused more than anything, walking carefully along the roofing. Dean did a really good job fixing up all of this, so it’s not gonna just cave in under them. That’s nice, right?

He sits down on the slope, feeling a bit more at ease. There’s a cool wind blowing that immediately relaxes him, a nice curtain of light piercing the last remaining, lingering veil of fog in the distance. Like how the light of the sun sometimes bursts through the clouds.]

It’s still kinda... hazy, I guess? But it sure beats staring at the ceiling.

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